This totally real, super serious proposal of absolute perfection targets the research subtopic H3.12 of NASA’s 2024 SBIR Phase I Solicitation, which is interested in quieter ventilation fans.
Contents
- Contents
- Identification and Significance of Innovation
- Technical Objectives
- Work Plan
- Related Research
- Key Personnel
- Market Opportunity
- Facilities and Equipment
- Subcontractors and Consultants
- Related/Equivalent/Duplicate Proposals and Awards
- References
Identification and Significance of Innovation
There is a pressing need for an automated sneeze blesser. In many cases one can hear someone sneezing, but it would be impolite and very loud to yell ‘bless you!’ across the room (or in one witnessed case, someone literally yelling ‘God bless you!’ across an ocean bay). In other cases one might sneeze with no one around to bless them. If one is not blessed right away after the sternutation, the soul can escape, leaving the person an empty dull husk of existence. Blessing them can cram their souls back in [1], preventing this loss of life.
To prevent this from happening in space, NASA currently uses a system of fans, wherein the soul gets sucked into the ventilation shaft and is recirculated back into the astronaut, causing only a mere lapse of judgement. This Environmental Control and Life Support (ECLS) system however, is quite loud and a cause of annoyance [2], so a much quieter system that softly blesses someone without a major acoustic disturbance is very much warranted.
There are additionally different kinds of sneezes. While most people may have a simple sneeze [3], others putatively possess a powerful preponderance of singly sermon shattering sneezes [4] while others might maintain malignant multitudes [5]; the worst are those who’ve been badly bequeathed both [6]. Yet others may also deliberately add flair to them [7], so characterizing what is the best way to bless someone for a type of sneeze would also be beneficial.
Technical Objectives
This proposal intends to investigate the kinds of sneezes and the best way to respond to them discreetly and quietly in Phase I of the project. In Phase II the sneeze blesser would be constructed.
Work Plan
A Respiratory Fulmination Detector (RFD – not to be confused with a Radio Frequency Device, RFD, which will be used to locate the RFD; nor is it to be confused with Rural-Free Delivery, RFD, which will be used to ship the RFD) was previously constructed [8] and is capable of distinguishing between a sneeze and a cough; however, it is not able to determine what kind of sneeze [9] it detected. This will be dug out from storage and used as a starting point for research, as it greatly simplifies identifying that a sneeze occurred in the first place.
While at first it might make sense to use Fast Fourier transforms (FFT) to use, the counterintuitive work by Et Al [10] actually suggests that a deconvolution method would be the best approach of attack to separate and distinguish the different kinds of sneezes.
Task: Investigate Deconvolution
While nearly every paper on the subject references the Ground Truth algorithm, absolutely none of them implement it, despite the obvious conclusion that it is the best method for deconvolution. The prolific author Et Al has proposed [10] a rough, working prototype of the Ground Truth algorithm. On the other hand, this might be a gaffe as Et Al in another work [11] show several indications that the prototype is actually the Gerund Sooth Algorithm. Additional collaboration by Et Al and S. Ballmer [12] also indicates that the prototype can be modified into the simpler Developer Factuality Algorithm. The authors of this proposal agree with the assessment and will investigate just what was being smoked, how much was smoked and where more can be acquired for further research. Estimated smoke break: 300 hours
Task: Locate the RFD
This piece of equipment was built, set on a shelf and then lost to the mystery of the inventory system. An expedition crew of four will need to be furnished and prepped with ropes, picks, crampons, packs, Sherpas and parkas. As this is the most dangerous part of the plan, revolvers will also be required. A possibility of a limb loss is quite high and the loss of life is not insignificant. There are many dangers that lurk within the warehouse. Expected search time: 800 hours
Task: Add more Fluff
A proposal should be no more than 19 pages, indicating that a proposal should also be no less than 19 pages, as shorter proposals, despite favored by reviewers, are seen as incredibly bad regardless of their content and should be filled with a bunch of foam peanuts, even if it’s actually dense with details and straight to the point without multiple paragraphs restating the same thing over again in different languages as if the author is Tom Cruise (inventor of the Hoveround) and is trying to inform Job that the NOC list is tainted after his team got killed during a clandestine, top secret operation that no one was to know about except the senior officers, scientists and a single conspiracy nut who no one will believe. This for example, this task is a foam peanut, maybe two.
Task: Seek the fabled Signatures
A project of this magnitude requires approval from an excessive amount of people, far more than what most everyone agrees is already way too many. The first stop is at the Mail Department, to approve which envelopes to use and which font the address labels should be printed in. Next would be the Subterfuge Department, the Micromanagement Department, the Alumni Department, the Department of Redundancy Department (the DoRD Department), the Administrative Department, the Ombudsman, the HR Department, the Magician, the 4H Club, the Provost, the Meat Department, the Nepotism Department, the Advanced Machining Center, the Primitive Machining Center, the Luggage Department, the Risqué Department, the Chess Club, Secretary of the Dark Arts, the Bureau Cabinet Council of Bureaus and Cabinets, the Idaho Potato Commission, Hermes Conrad, Sir Chancellor Chandeliers, the Palouse Worm Minister, the Postmaster-Detective-Lieutenant-General, the New Christy Minstrels and so on. The Gambling Department alone has a subsection of side quests that requires hunting down I.O.U’s, delivering I.O.U’s and collection of funds before they’ll hand out their approval. Expected bureaucratic red tape: 7757 miles
Related Research
There is no related research on the investigation and construction of an automated sneeze blesser, anywhere [13]. There is tangential research on what kind of elements can cause sneezing [14] as well as types of coughs [15], but again, absolutely nobody is doing this kind of research anywhere [16].
Key Personnel
Nick Miller, Principal Investigator
A crop dusting genius who… definitely went to Castleton. He has previous designed an amazingly efficient fuel intake that uses 30% less fuel. He also teaches physics at the time chasers community college and recently implemented a sky diving course for grandmothers. He will be investigating the kinds of sneezes and how to bless them for this project.
Matthew Paul, VP
As a snappy dresser and a team player, he’s able to solutionize synergistic paradigms and leverage blue sky thinking outside the box to produce game-changing innovative actionable deliverables against the headwinds, ultimately bringing them to the table all while trimming the fat and unscrambling the eggs; producing a whole new ball of wax. He will facilitate in utilizing dialog and communicating resources.
J. K. Roberson, CEO
People want the biggest piece that they can get. We’re talking millions here. I will ensure that each day is an auspicious day in the history of the world and that we’re the only ones with the key, as well as determining what we need to do, which is to find what our problems are and fix them. I’ve been there and we’ll take care of it. We’ll be careful in presenting this project but that’s it; any corporate spies will be handed over to our military attaché.
Guy Fleegman, Security Personal
The security guard at the company (also confusingly called the military attaché by the CEO) with only a few days left until retirement, has graciously decided to stay on for one last project to re-live the days of old. Very fond of wearing red shirts, he will be part of the expedition into the warehouse to search for the RFD.
Market Opportunity
The current target is the fall market with the new apple varieties, where it’ll go up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes. The reason is two-fold: for one, it can’t compete with the maple sugaring season in the spring as they’re just too powerful. Secondly, the fall season is right when the flu infections go up, irritating souls to try to escape and increasing the amount of sneezing happening, as indicated in a peer-reviewed paper [17]. The plan is to initially offer it in the other, smaller Wisconsin: Rutland, Vermont; well known for that guy… oh and that other guy. It will then follow the foliage south as the season progresses.
Facilities and Equipment
At Gen-Corp we believe that listening to people is the winning approach. Listening breeds new ideas and new ideas breed innovation. Innovation is this country’s greatest natural resource, its most powerful defense weapon. At Gen-Corp we champion innovators. Because of them, double-hulled tankers are here and oil spills are a memory; a good memory. Gen-Corp now sets worldwide standards and aviation safety, all because of innovators; Gen-Corp innovators. We really can’t afford to live without them, and neither can you. Gen-Corp is a division of Plasmon, part of ConMedTechCom.
Subcontractors and Consultants
N/A
Related/Equivalent/Duplicate Proposals and Awards
While there is related work by H. J. Farnsworth and E. B. Tate with their Bad-Ass Gravity Pump Proposal [18], or the sleep easy way to produce a black hole [19], they are actually not related [20]. In reality, no known work on constructing an automatic sneeze blesser is known to the known authors of this known proposal. As such, this proposal has instead been resubmitted 75 times, each time targeting a different subtopic, to increase the chances of winning the grant [21].
References
[1] M. Van Houten, “Bart Sells His Soul”, Simp., 7, 4 (1995) [Link]
[2] NASA et al., “Quiet and efficient fans for spacecraft cabin ventilation”, NASA SBIR Ph. I Sol., pg 168 (2024) [Link]
[3] The Author
[4] The Author’s Father
[5] The Author’s Mother
[6] The Author’s Brothers
[7] The Author’s Sister, “Achoo-weee!”
[8] It came to me in a dream
[9] And I forgot about it in another dream
[10] Et Al, “Giraffes Giraffes Giraffes Giraffes”, Gir. (2021) [Giraffes]
[11] Et Al, “Gerunds Gerunds Gerunds Gerunds”, Ger. (2021) [Gerunds]
[12] Et Al, S. Ballmer, “Developers Developers Developers Developers”, Dev. (2006) [Developers]
[13] No research was done to verify this fact.
[14] Haven’t quite figured out what it is, but it is known that it’s a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton.
[15] Some very brief research was done to find information and it found a Wikipedia link that was not read: [Wiki]
[16] Please don’t look.
[17] Reviewed by people named Peer that is.
[18] H. J. Farnsworth, E. B. Tate, “Time Keeps On Slippin’”, Futur., 3, 14 (2001)
[19] Et Al, “Mattresses and black holes”, Mat. (2016) [Mattresses]
[20] Unless you’re stupid
[21] “I don’t care if it’s against section 3.2, stuff the ballot to increase our chances! It’s always worked for me on Election Day! Muahahaha!” – The CEO
Oh yeah, due to a legal requirement of the submission process, this statement is a required statement. But thanks to it being poorly worded, delibrately confusing and containing sevrel typos, it makes everyone look bad who are required to add it. Any attempt to fix the actual mistakes will result in being disqaulifced because the legalize demands that any brains and related thought processes must be left behind. This applies to every part of the proposal except the parts that don’t, because the legal requirement can’t let you be explicit about what it applies to; it only allows you to be vaguely implicit about where it doesn’t. How do you know if you need to add it? Just check the FAQ that’s only ever said ‘to be determined’ for the last six years, or follow this link to a 404 to never find out!
Orthallelous 
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